You're Glad

Nero

2011-12-12T19:35:00.003Z

Sat in a coffee shop,
Writing,
Like everyone else.
Pretending I'm above it,
Like everyone else

Championship Football

2011-12-02T16:48:00.005Z

Championship football
Can't help but notice the ball
Ignores gravity

Windows family

2011-11-19T23:19:00.002Z

"It's a great time to be a family...because you don't have to look into their dead eyes any more"

Citroen - Dogs at the petrol station

2011-11-13T21:14:00.002Z

Look, I know times are hard and everything, but this seems like an extreme measure.

At the very least, make life easier for yourself, and train one large dog as opposed to three small ones.

Woody Allen's Grow Your Own Korean Bride kit

2011-10-04T21:28:00.001+01:00

Welcome. Break.

2011-08-05T21:54:00.002+01:00

A jet plane
Is less pain
Than a caravan.
During Ramadan,
Surrounded
By caravans,
Fucking caravans.
A pilgrimage,
The privilege,
To hear
Of milage,
While I age
They engage
In tales,
Travelled from Wales
Which pales,
In comparison,
To Tim – Catterick Garrison,
Like Harrison
Ford
I’m bored,
A Honda Accord
Applaud
The man,
With Prius,
Pious,
Eating M&S,
Whilst others stress,
And chew their King,
Thinking
Why the fuck didn’t we just fly to Spain?

Get Stuffed

2011-07-01T22:32:00.002+01:00

Oh right, that makes sense. Impressive mental gymnastics here:

"I'm not a prick. The people that tell me to get stuffed must be employed by a pizza company that are subliminally trying to make me try their new stuffed crust pizza, and don't just think I'm a prick."

I bet he buys a lot of condoms...

PC shop

2011-06-22T17:52:00.003+01:00

"Meet Lindsay, she hasn't had sex in five years, so we set up a sex shop in her house."

A poem about poems in adverts

2011-06-18T11:05:00.003+01:00

You need an Ad, you need it quick,

A product, and its fucking shit,

Searched on YouTube, after hours,

The height of your creative powers,

You need a winner, it’s no joke,

Fail, you’ll have to give up coke,

Broke.

But never fear, there is a way,

To drain the poor of hard-earned pay,

Get some hack, with mac, to wrack

His brains, and you’ll sell planes,

Trains,

Automobiles.

A poem, with nice simple rhymes,

Is all you need, in these tough times,

To warm them up, and make them punt,

On items, they would often shunt,

You’re not just another,

Tawdry,

Capitalist,

Cunt.

Housewives' favourite adele - A thesis

2011-06-12T20:02:00.002+01:00

Housewives’ favourite adele, as I will be referring to her in this article and for the rest of my life, represents the strangest and most troubling success in music today. Though childish to prefix her name with “housewives favourite”, this is the best way describe housewives’ favourite adele, and the easiest way to explain her meteoric success.

Housewives’ favourite adele is not the greatest singer of our generation.

The first thing that is wrong with housewives’ favourite adele is the all-encompassing demographic that she appeals to. Though fans of The Beatles, Disney and capital punishment will disagree, anything that appeals to the entire populous of the world is not challenging enough, and certainly not worthy of being described as art.

Though a sweeping generalisation, housewives don’t like art, or challenging concepts, or ideas. They like Britain’s Got Talent. And zumba. Housewives like housewives’ favourite adele because it is mawkish, predictable love, loss and life by numbers. A colouring-in book of emotion.

As a self-important indie kid, I’m of the opinion that art, from music to comedy to drawings on walls, can’t be great if it appeals to everyone. If it appeals to everyone, how can it challenge anyone? Art is surely about saying something others can’t say or don’t want to hear? There are plenty of universally loved things I do like, The Cube, Haribo, but I wouldn’t describe them as great works of art.

The main reason I cannot accept the praise heaped on housewives’ favourite adele is because everything she produces is so transparent and insincere it is almost insulting. Like an evil child/pet in a TV sitcom, housewives’ favourite adele is evil, but has everyone conned, and only admits to her evil-ness when the smitten family turns their back. Very few see this evil face.

Housewives’ favourite adele is a factory borne creation of the Brit School. Like RADA, these schools that teach artistic ability are perverse to the Nth degree. Though (before you comment) they would certainly help my artistic output, and I’m aware that I have friends have attended similar establishments, line-producing stars in elitist academies dilutes their sincerity. Is what housewives’ favourite adele sings her personality, or what she has been taught to do?

Housewives’ favourite adele sings of love and failed relationships in faux-soul competency. This is surely because she loves the genre and feels this is the ultimate expression of her emotions? Why then does she say “I adore get-your-tits-out music” and “I don't listen to music like my own”. She kindly provides us with the answer; "it's just that I'm not the right fit to perform like that”.[1] She doesn’t make her music because she loves it, she does it for money and fame.

How can she represent her generation of youth when she makes comments entirely at odds with the lives of her fans? Housewives’ favourite adele stated: “I'm mortified to have to pay 50% (tax)! I use the NHS, I can't use public transport any more. Trains are always late, most state schools are shit, and I've gotta give you, like, four million quid – are you having a laugh?”[2] How can anyone who listens to her songs possibly relate to someone so isolated from the real world?

So why not just ignore her? Because you cannot ignore the unignorable. Housewives’ favourite adele, like the royal wedding, is fine when enjoyed by people privately, or in a medium I can bypass. A few channels is fine, a few radio stations is fine. When I cannot listen to, watch or read anything without it being explained to me how brilliant/groundbreaking housewives’ favourite adele is, then I am well within my rights to complain.

Like a Big Mac or a Dyson, housewives’ favourite adele is a commodity, a soulless product created in a factory devoid of humanity and life. She is a vehicle created to generate money. Housewives favourite adele doesn’t even listen to the trash she peddles. She laughs every time you buy her records, then cries slightly when she realises half of those profits will go back into the National Health Service.

[1] http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/music/adeles-ex-boyfriend-wants-money-for-being-inspiration-for-her-songs-on-album-19/story-e6frexl9-1226053444027

[2] http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2011/may/25/adele-tax-grievances

Reggie Yates

2011-06-08T23:07:00.002+01:00

When aliens or robots or lizards overthrow us,

And they enslave the human race,

They will need a human to relay their evil orders,

They will choose Reggie Yates,

Reggie Yates is perfectly suited for this role,

With his upbeat demeanour and his infallible grin,

You’ve never seen his face,

But you know it is grinning,

Reggie Yates will cheerfully explain,

How mineshaft delta has collapsed,

8 million dead,

“Now come on guys, back to work”

Reggie Yates will ingratiate himself with his new overlords,

Learn their language, mannerisms, quirks,

Reggie Yates will pretend to be one of them,

Then pretend to be one of us,

“Candidate 4,986,798 Y, you have won the February lottery,

Your children will get paste on their bread tonight”

Reggie Yates will say this from Buckingham Palace,

Where he will invariably choose to reside.

Reggie Yates won’t do this because he has contempt for the human race,

He will do it because it is all he knows and wants,

And when we take our planet back,

We will forgive Reggie Yates.

Disney - Facilitating parenting since 1940(ish)

2011-06-05T21:38:00.002+01:00

"Magic begins the moment you tell them"

Subtext reads:

"Once you've told them, you can threaten to cancel the trip when they act up"

Sanex believes in our rights

2011-04-14T23:06:00.000+01:00

I feel like Sanex is very much the Martin Luther King of our generation

Windows 7 Picture Perfect

2011-02-22T19:40:00.002Z

Are we pretending this is a good thing?

As the world becomes increasingly confusing and unreliable, we're celebrating the weapons that will bring us to our knees?

This isn't a positive thing. It's like a perfect metaphor for how we are ruining the world to pursue some distorted, impossible idea of perfection. Why not just stop being such an uptight bitch about a photograph?

Alternatively, try some parenting instead of retrospectively photoshopping your life whilst your husband is cutting himself and your daughter is fucking the postman.

You can airbrush smiles on faces, but you can't get cum stains out of the carpet.

Sainsburys Active Kids

2011-02-18T10:32:00.002Z

Jamie Oliver LOVES Active Kids.

But we can't do anything, he's a national treasure. It's like having diplomatic immunity, but he's on the telly all the time.

Royal Carribean

2011-02-05T13:44:00.003Z

"Have you ever seen a glacier whilst sunbathing? No? Why not? You massive fucking prick?"

"Have you ever played Cluedo in a vietnamese brothel with the King of Spain? Why not?"

These aren't things that happen very often Royal Carribean, that's why not. In fact, I think the only way you can do that is to go on your cruise, you cheeky bastards.

Why not? Because cruises are fucking shite. Unless you love dysentry, buffets and Andy the binman from X Factor.

Everyone's Doing It

2010-04-09T01:13:00.002+01:00

He forgot to mention that it's mainly just guys doing it with each other.

Guys. Doing it. With each other. Over and over and over. Not even breaking to sleep.

Why doesn't he mention that?

And the award for most poorly constructed innuendo goes to...

Don't Get Scammed

2010-03-02T21:03:00.003Z

I can't help but think this advert is the REAL scam, discouraging people from winning fantastic prizes so they can keep them for themselves. I'm no mug, I ain't buying it.

Consequently I'm going to ring those premium phone numbers more regularly, as this advert has slimmed the herd. I could win a BMW Z3, a Carribbean holiday or, hopefully, another pen. I just fucking love free magazine scratch cards.

Just For Men

2010-01-02T22:36:00.002Z

"Honestly Dad will you just fuck off and get laid. Your bumming everyone out, moping around the house with your grey hair. Sort it out. Dickhead"

What I want to know is what happened with his ex? Terminal illness? Ran off?

A tenner says she's under the floorboards with the others.

Red Heads

2009-12-09T19:55:00.000Z

You laugh, but this exactly how Hitler got started

Got A Confession?

2009-11-10T22:48:00.003Z

I have got a bread related confession, actually.

My father left before I was conceived, and my mother was too poorly to work. As a child me and my 18 siblings went hungry most days, but during one paticularly cold winter, a kind baker allowed me into his store to take a loaf of bread back to my starving family. I killed him, and ate everything in the store myself, as his dead eyes looked up at me.

Oh, you only wanted lighthearted bread confessions?

Wake Up!

2009-09-30T17:39:00.002+01:00

It's not so much the video as the description:

Wake up people! They have laws ready that if this becomes a pandemic, that they will FORCE! you to take the tamiflu shot, DONT!
Martial law will be in full effect!

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

If anything this guy is doing a lot of good. It really is a shame that Swine Flu doesn't kill because otherwise all the fuckwits that follow this fuckwit would be soon gone. Martial law would kick ass, I know karate.

Also in the comments:

zaazi123 (5 months ago
i refused to get my daughterthe MMR and the nurses were sent to my home to inject her, i was SO scared! she still aint had it but i reckon they will bring the police next time
WakeUpBritain2009 (5 months ago)
Stay Strong, you are doing the right thing for your daughter. Thats the important thing. She will thanks you in the future. Wish my parents were well imformed at the time.

I'm glad you're endangering your daughter to prove a point. I was so sure Michael Jackson wasn't a peadophile I took my cousins to Neverland for a visit. Then I was convinced that Harold Shipman was a spot on bloke so I took my gran to see him. Poor old gran, still, I was pretty convinced at the time.

Jesus Fucking Christ!

Who do I ring?

2009-09-18T00:33:00.001+01:00

What if I need to get blood and seamen out of my carpet?

And that's one thing these smary fuckers don't sing about

Paul's House

2009-08-09T22:14:00.003+01:00

I'm sure Paul will be delighted to hear it...

I joke but I've actually heard pretty brilliant things about Paul's bathroom. There's and xbox 360 with a 26" plasma screen on the wall, popcorn and candy floss machines and you actually get to wipe your arse on golden labrador puppies.

I'm confused

2009-08-04T01:12:00.002+01:00

Do you think his dad wishes he had forced him into more sport as a child? Christ alive he must be embarrassed, I'm embarrassed for the excitable hippy fuckwit. How about instead of filming yourself on a webcam then wanking over it you cut your hair, get rid of your soul patch and stop going to under-16's discos because the children think you're funny.

Salad Cream

2009-07-12T23:14:00.003+01:00

"Love life got dull? Cum on stuff with Heinz!"

I mean, you could argue that wasn't the message of this advert, but fishy fingers, jacket potatoes shaped like tits, I'd like to see you try. Sex is fucking everywhere nowadays

Richmond Sausages

2009-06-15T22:21:00.000+01:00

Because there's nothing quite like putting a sausage in your mouth to remind you of your childhood

Independent Toy Shops in the Countryside

2009-04-10T13:20:00.003+01:00

You know you're in an independent toy shop in the countryside when theres not a single toy you recognise, apart from all the Little Black Sambo dolls in the window.

But don't ask the old woman in there about them:

"I had a little Golliwog as a child and it never did me any harm"

Yeah, but what about the "No Solicitors, no Blacks, no Asians" sign on the door?

Deborah 13: Servant of God

2009-03-11T00:42:00.002Z

By far the best documentary i've seen recently, even better than Jesus Camp "I'm hungry after Jesus!"...Classic.

It managed to raise the most morally challenging question of all time, 'What would Jesus say if he walked into a nightclub right now?'

Personally i think it'd go something along the lines of...

"Christ, check out the talent in here...I am definately getting me some Grumble tonight!"

2009-03-07T17:42:00.002Z

"Match.com is overrun with HOT WOMEN"
Shit. What if I'm looking for fat, ugly women with low self esteem, desperate to settle for anyone. I'll stick to Weightwatchers I think.

"Not sure if a site with millions of women is right for you?"
Fuck you. I'm going to sign up right now just to prove you wrong then. That'll teach them. Bastards.

Being a Leeds United fan

2008-12-21T20:51:00.004Z

Anyone who knows me (and you probably do, or you wouldn't be reading this) will know that I'm a huge Leeds United, and anyone that doesn't live underneath a rock will know what has happened to Leeds over the last few years.

To me, being a Leeds fan is like being a battered housewife. My childhood was the courting, early days of the relationship. Excited I would watch players like Tony Yeboah, David Batty and Lucas Radabe scrap for the mighty Leeds. I fell in love, and was soon married. The honeymoon you ask, well who could forget the fucking honeymoon, Harry Kewell, Olivier Dacourt and Alan Smith, all expenses paid for by Peter Risdale, don't worry about tomorrow. Leeds whisked me away to Barcelona and Milan, I saw the Colosseum, drank champagne and ate expensive Belgian chocolates at Anderlecht. A Champions League Semi-Final, how could our relationship ever turn sour?

Since then we have gone tits up. Trying to provide the finer things in life for me Risdale overstepped himself, stopped looking at the books in a vain attempt to keep me in the lifestyle to which I had become so accustomed. Champagne quickly became Cava, and Rio Ferdinand jumped ship like a dog, who sensing a storm, ran to safer Manchester United pastures. Trying to prove they still loved me Leeds bought Robbie Fowler and Seth Johnson, but it wasn't the same, the spark had gone.

The first time Leeds hit me was the 8th of May 2004. The honeymoon was well and truly over, Risdale had overspent and the bayliffs took everything, even the young Aaron Lennon. Crying as my prized possesions were carried out before my eyes I felt a succer punch to the stomach like never before, there would be no more Marks and Spencer, just fucking Netto. Things went from bad to worse, Leeds made me feel unattractive and fat, and even a play-off final couldn't stop my sinking feeling. Money got tighter and our house was repossesed, Risdale left and was replaced by Ken Bates. We went into League One. Bates had recently split with his wife, the now botoxed Chelsea with fakes tits from her Russian Pimp, and was looking to start anew. Unfortunately he quickly showed his true blue colours and demonstrated what an awful Cockney schyster he was, and Leeds would start their season with minus 15 points. That was the worst night of violence, and after years of abuse I resolved to leave Leeds United, I packed my bags, unable to take the pain.

But why does a relationship stay together through turbulent times? I did it for the kids. Behind the taxi-driver battering dwarf of Dennis Wise there was some European romance from Gus Poyet, and he was raising the children to play with flair, pace and determination. Poyet soon left but his legacy was a club that started shaving again, wearing aftershave and turning up to work. Gary McCallister came in, and I believed me and Leeds would be in love once again, maybe Bates was a great guy, maybe we could live together again and buy back our stadium. There was light at the end of what had been a dark dark tunnel.

Sadly folks there is no happy ending. A string of lacklustre performances and Bates has taken it out on me, lashing out wildly and sacking big Gary Mac, a hero at the club and the long-term manager we needed. It's the children I really feel for, an abusive father with a power complex, they'll probably go and move in with their premiership girlfriends soon and have done with the shit they get at home. And where will that leave me, in love with a team incapable of recieving it, and unable to give it. Knowing what an idiot I am I'll take them back though, I mean, it's nothing a bunch of petrol-station flowers couldn't fix.

Fucking Football

BT Adverts: Making mundane family life cringe-worthy

2008-09-09T14:50:00.004+01:00

I like to mock adverts, because it makes me feel big and clever.

“BT loves irresponsible, half-arsed parenting”

Right, so basically, this woman has left her daughter and her daughter’s friends under the responsibility of her boyfriend. Firstly, this seems pretty irresponsible to me, I mean she knows the bloke, but can she be sure he’s not a paedophile, and secondly, even if he isn’t, will the other girl’s mothers be pleased that the mum has fucked off and left their children in the care of a man who doesn’t have a child of his own? I doubt it.

It is his reaction to this predicament which is most amusing however. Instead of making them play a game or doing a puppet show, he just gives them his laptop. “Hey kids, have some fun on my laptop, go watch some porn or something, if not I know some good websites where you can look at dismembered bodies.” I mean Christ, I’m not responsible enough to be left alone with the internet but he just gives his computer to the kids (note: not even his fucking kids) and lets them run riot. The advert ends with him kindly letting the little girl ring her mum (probably because she just saw a video of said mum shagging barnyard animals), and we can only hope that to teach the fuckwit a lesson she rang Childline or at least a fucking premium rate phone-sex line in the Philippines.

I bet if they behave themselves he'll let them watch "Saw" before bed, the stupid, "My Family" tosser.

“BT Total Broadband: Save now for therapy later”

Nothing makes me want to buy wireless internet more than reminiscing about the times I thought my parents were getting a divorce. I used to rock on my bed cuddling a Home-Hub, sucking my thumb. Good times. The problem with this one is, the boy needs to sort his fucking priorities. He’s having an argument with his girlfriend, deciding if it can ever go back to the way it was, and he thinks, “I wonder what the view is like outside?” Jesus man, it’s that sort of shitty attention span that probably got you into this mess, concentrate you twat! As for her, she can hardly talk, I’d have bailed way further away than the coast if I had to live with her two mongy kids, I’d be monitoring Emperor Penguins in the Ant-fucking-arctic, so cut him some slack. Ultimately, this advert promotes divorce lawyers more than it does the internet, and if BT thinks reminding people of their families arguments, and the subsequent imaginary friends and counselling that follows, will sell their products, they need to give their fucking heads a shake.

“BT Broadband and Vision: Your son is a twat”

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the mother load of advertising fuck ups. An advert intending to show how teen-friendly and cool BT broadband and BT vision is, actually makes a poignant statement to all parents about the realisation that your son, and all of his friends, are complete fucking plebeians. The advert starts properly, with the kid waiting for his parents to leave before inviting his friends over. It all goes tits up however when he starts getting out sweets and soft drinks instead of copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.

The killer moment though is when the mother returns, the disgust on her poor face. She expected him to get his mates over, but not like this, fucking lemonade and malteasers, what a complete twat her son has become. If I ever had kids in this situation, I’d make sure that every teenager in that room was forced to smoke a big bag of weed whilst drinking shots that were on fire, followed by beating my child with a sock full of batteries until he truly realised what a pathetic kid he was. The mum will now go to the wedding crying, and will probably never look her son in the face again. Shortly he will be thrown out of the house because his mother can’t bear to witness what a pussy he has become, and she will have to make up stories to her friends pretending she found pornography and instructions to build napalm bombs on his laptop, instead of just finding he had set up his BT Broadband as a study tool for his homework. I mean the fucking embarrassment of it all, what’s happening to kids nowadays?